Jarvis takes care of his wife

Jarvis and his wife, 2017

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The People Involved

Those involved in my caregiver journey are my wife, Flora (care recipient). Then there is me, Jarvis (husband), my wonderful daughter--Ebony, and the Parker family.

What is the Back Story?

Well, before my wife’s deadly illness she was so active. She was continually involved in community activities and the church. Flora is the wife of a pastor (me). She was and continues to be quite supportive of me and the sustained growth of our church. She did so much and enjoyed taking care of our newly purchased home.

Flora was also a school social worker. She worked for the public school system and took her job as social worker quite seriously. She worked in the school system during the day, and ministered to people in the community and church alongside me during the evening and weekends. Flora seemed like a tireless dragon that did not know of the words leisure or surrender. She was also a loving and faithful wife. As you can see, we had and still have a busy household. Flora was our human glue and stabilizer.

During 2011, while at work, my wife was stopped in her tracks after having suffered from a stroke. The road to recovery was long and difficult for her, and the family. Flora was always the caretaker, the initiator, and mover and shaker of the family. Now, she lay in bed fighting for dear life. She seemed so fragile, but Flora still had fight in her.

The Journey

There were days and months of a plethora of doctors visits and therapy sessions. Even though I had a load of responsibility as household provider and pastor of a very active church, my load suddenly and dramatically increased. I was grateful for the help of family and church family. It was such a great challenge to have to care for the love of my life. I had to step up and perform duties that she could no longer perform herself. This included bathing, walking, dressing, and cleaning after use of the toilet. Whatever she needed, I did. This was a true test of my love for her, as well as the level of commitment to my marriage vows. The journey was not an easy journey, and our worlds completely changed.

Flora loss the capability to walk, and her speech was slower. I had to change my whole life and schedule--all in the course of ONE day. My wife had always maintained the bills (credit cards, mortgage, etc.). Now, I had inherited this feat, too. I realized how unfamiliar I was with these duties and responsibilities. I had to get the help of my sister-in-law to assist with handling this matter of urgency. Which brings me to the loss of income.

You see, we depended on Flora’s income to help support the household. Now, this was no longer an option. Flora could no longer work. I, then, had to handle matters of her no longer being able to return to work with her current employer and creditors. Our lives were filled with doctors, nurses, therapists, and hospital visits. Lord, what a nightmare! Family members came over to cook. They also helped with transporting Flora to doctor appointments. Her health was such that she required around the clock care. Again, family came and helped with the day-to-day house chores and caring of Flora. This included cleaning, washing clothes, washing dishes, and cooking.

On a very personal note, it was during the nights when everyone had ventured back into their own worlds that I had to be extremely alert and know what my wife’s needs were and might require. Can you begin to imagine how frustrating that was for her as well as for me, but primarily for her? She now needed the help of others to get into bed and out of bed. The stroke was so harsh to her body that she needed help going to the restroom and bathing. Flora was a proud and independent woman who now depended solely upon the generosity of others to now do for her what she was formerly able to do for herself.

She even had to quickly adapt to using alternative means to try to communicate what she needed. She had to find ways to help us, caregiver, understand what she needed or wanted. It was very exasperating and awkward. It was so foreign to me because during the day, I still had to work an 8-hour job to maintain some type of steady income. Even that seemed to not be enough most of the time.

It was a relief to have a support system. I am not sure I could have taken care of my wife, household, church, and all other responsibilities by myself. The stress would probably have overtaken me. The primary weapon I had to combat the enormous amount of stress I faced on a daily basis was the Word of God. I found myself meditating heavily. At times, I would find a quiet space or take a walk to relax and refocus. There continued to be some activities of some sort happening at my house.

The Outcome

My wife continues to improve. She has come so far. Her speech was restored, and I can again hear her lovely voice. What a joy to communicate. Change, however, continues with these improvements. She has slowly taken over certain responsibilities of the household during the day. Our daughter, Eboney, is there to help her. I am most pleased and happy at this. My family also continues to help out. We cannot take for granted what Flora can do for herself. She needs a great deal of rest, and cannot be put into any situations that can stress her out or cause another stroke. My family and I work hard to keep Flora happy and as stress free as possible. My faith, of course, helps me in believing that she will continue to improve and that God will restore her to full strength.

The Lesson To Share

What I learned from this situation is the importance of never taking one minute of life or health for granted. I cherish each moment that I spend with my wife, other family, and friends. I strongly encourage others to do the same. I also learned that I was now in the position that some of my other church family and friends had already dealt with or was dealing with, too. I had to practice the lessons that I taught others about faith. I had to, rather I chose to believe that God would bring us through this trial.

I urge people to learn how to handle various household responsibilities, and not depend on any one person to take care of everything. This is a tragedy waiting to happen. I wish I had gotten more involved with paying bills and handling other paperwork, as well as being actively involved in household responsibilities. Such prior knowledge would have decreased my stress level and helped make for a smoother transition.

Flora’s health care is a continual thing. The possibility that she might have another stroke does not end with the improvement of healthcare costs. Even though, skyrocketing healthcare costs further dampens our financial woes. The loss of her income was devastating. I had to balance work, home, church life, and the needs of the church family who continued to have challenges of its own. What I am saying is that other problems will not cease just because you are dealing with the pressing matter of providing care to your loved one.

A final thought is to never let your pride keep you from accepting help or asking for help. Allow others to help, and learn how to be grateful for their help. I remember that it was teamwork that got-and continues to get the job done. Patience and being unselfish are traits that must be at the top of the list to be a successful caregiver.

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