Tony takes care of his in-laws
Tony and his wife, 2013
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Q: Tell me a little about yourself. Who are you and why’d you agree to do this interview?
A: Hello. My name is Tony Vick, and I am a caregiver for my father-in-law. I’m excited to do this. I’ve never really been asked to talk about my caregiving journey. This is a first. The aim is to help you become better at what you do on a daily basis, and to let you know that you are not alone. Hopefully, my story will help someone else to better deal with this undertaking. Let me tell you up front that I am a work in progress.
Q: How’d you end up becoming a caregiver?
A: I am not certified in health care nor did I ever expect to be affiliated with providing extended care to anyone. Well, it happened. I am now 60 plus years of age, married to Sharon (my wife), father of two children, and grandfather to three. I plan on retiring from my current job as a store manager at a local furniture store in January 2019. Well, let me delve into my experience.
Q: Who do you care for?
A: I am, currently, the primary caregiver of my father-in-law (Glenn). We live in a relatively small township in northeastern NC. I guess one can say that I inherited this role and the responsibilities associated with caregiving. I prefer to look at my situation as “The Lord’s will for my life.” You see, I worked in the neighboring town of Ahoskie, NC when I was younger. I disliked the area so much that I swore I would never return. For a while, I didn’t return. I landed a job as credit manager at a furniture franchise in Rocky Mount, NC. Over the course of time, you guessed it. I was transferred to the Ahoskie store to fill the position of store manager back around 2007. My wife, Sharon, still lived in Lumberton and I stayed with my in-laws during the week while working in Ahoskie, and would go home to Lumberton each weekend.
During these early years, even though aging, my in-laws were active and healthy for their age. My in-laws married at an older age. My father-in-law was 59 and my mother-in-law was 53. They have been married for 40 years. My father-in-law (Glenn) had no children. Actually, he only has a niece and nephew. My mother-in-law (Wilhelmina) had only one child (Sharon-my wife). So, as you can imagine when their health began to decline--help and support was limited. April 2017, as I recall, was my formal dealings with being a full-time caregiver. We chose to keep my in-laws at home for as long as possible due to health care cost and the reputation of care facilities. Prior to this date, they were capable of caring for each other. This (caregiving) was a major undertaking for everyone, especially me.
Q: What would a typical day or week look like for you?
A: I worked daily and would go home to attend to the needs of my father-in-law. There were things associated with caring for him that I did not want to do, but bit the bullet and handled matters. Glenn could no longer walk by himself or care for himself as before. Things seemed to dismantle more when I had to assume full care of him and his wife. She was battling Alzheimer's and other medical issues. Talking about nights of little sleep and still needing to go in to work the next day. The thing with caregiving is that the caregiver lives two lives, and possibly more depending on how many relationships the caregiver is attached to. Every relationship can be like living another life. One with your spouse. Another with your children. Another with your employer. The primary two lives of the caregiver is forged inside the home with the love one--extending care, attention to medical and financial needs, and all else. The other life is outside of this circle and involves working to maintain a living. The stress of caring for my in-laws, working, supervising others, and traveling was seemingly overwhelming at times. It was frustrating to change diapers, clean up vomit, or get up one to two hours after you just laid down to rest because your love one cannot sleep and is calling you. I must say that my faith in Christ helped me deal with all this. I cannot begin to explain the pain and feelings of despair at times. Now, I provide coverage for Glenn 24/7. My wife comes to help, too.
Q: As a caregiver myself, I know it can be hard. How do you maintain stability through the process?
A: To remain as stable as possible, I joined a fitness club. I encourage all caregivers to do something for themselves. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or costly. Just a walk down the street each day, planting a garden, or join a choir. It is essential to get out daily. Connections with others in a non-work and stress free setting helps you maintain your sanity. I was also blessed to be able to get away most weekends. I figure I deserve this after spending time cleaning the house, cooking, and being a nurse.
Q: What advice would you give for new caregivers or people who may end up being a caregiver in the future?
A: If I was to give any advice, it would be to understand that caregiving calls for sacrifices. Children really need to understand this. When choosing to provide quality care to love ones, it is not just an “I’ll show up episode. You need to be there and pull your load. This is a load, and you must show compassion and patience. It makes the situation more bearable. Again, I encourage you to take time to breath. Your good health is necessary for this to work.
God bless and I pray all goes well for you. One day at a time. Just take one day at a time.
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